Qualitative Distractions

I've been...not procrastinating...but avoidant on this project because of one simple reason: it frightens me. The sheer scope of what's involved in realizing the vision I have for this thing is daunting.

I'm daunted.

I've gotten some good support from my instructor and several classmates who are game to allow our mutually chromagreen sets to commingle, so I feel better now. But I still feel as if I haven't actually done a whole helluva lot on this thing. Part of it might be that after six months of three-week turnarounds on increasingly demanding projects, it feels terribly awkward to not be maintaining that same level of corporeal intensity.

The other part of it is that I'm finally, at long last trying to get my general studies degree off the ground at the UW, and it has been occupying most of my time at the beginning of this quarter. I got it approved by the board last week, and now tonight I put together one of two cover letters for the professors I have to obtain sponsorships from. It's stressful, to say the least. No blanket security of set benchmarks for progress, no assurance of acceptance due to my wildly variant academic record. I don't think either of them will be able to question my passion for cinema media. But there is the little matter of academic formalism. The very world implies formalism. Academic. Academia. I wouldn't blame Shawn for not wanting to attach his name to a student who has a 0-point-fucking-0 on his transcript. Shit, that's what...a whole 3.3 GPA points lower than my lowest grade in high school? And a whole 2.4 less than my next lowest grade in college (which still is a shitty grade though)? Even though I'm planning on retaking the class, I'm still frightened to death that I won't do much better the second time around. I really do not have the discipline, patience, or attention span for programming--and that class not only revealed my weaknesses, it assraped the chinks in my rusty armor with a lance whose splinters only grow more painful by the day with pussy infection.

Nice metaphor.

Back to the topic at hand: in the next few days, I'm going to be completely boarding out my film, creating a storyreel, breaking down my shots into components, casting, crewing, equiping, planning, doubting, re-planning, crying, and finally, hopefully arriving at a gameplan that falls between the sometimes exclusive realms of possiblity and quality.