So I've been meaning to blog about this because I think it's pretty indicative in the Freudian sense of how mentally and emotionally overwhelming this video sequence is becoming.
It was last Friday night I think, that I had a nightmare about being in my DXARTS class. All eyes were on me, I especially remember Noel (my instructor) staring with waiting, expectant eyes, as I was being asked why I couldn't finish my project. I don't think it was necessarily the next project, but it definitely wasn't like I was re-imagining a critique of one of my past ones.
Anyhow, as I'm sure you know if you've been reading my past blogs, I've been pretty negatively critiqued for making certain mistakes...and then making them again. And in this critique, I was being criticized because I was unable to follow-through on my project, almost as if I was missing a last act, like I couldn't quite come through on it.
It felt like the class was asking me to finish the film right then and there, and I couldn't, for whatever reason. I was feeling this immense pressure and I had director's block, I simply couldn't preform. I felt frozen in place, as if I had stage fright. They were pressing me, asking, "Why can't you just finish it?" And I didn't know what to tell them. I just couldn't imagine anything. It was a blank slate. And futhermore, I didn't know what to say. I was dumbfounded, unable to perform, unable to respond.
It's pretty obvious that I'm feeling insecure, and probably more than a little infertile (figuratively speaking). I'm surprised I didn't have a truly Freudian nightmare about being unable to perform during sex. But this was close enough, and more situationally specific anyways. There are no answers within this dream, just a more stark evocation of feelings I already feel.
I don't know what this adds to the internal discourse on my abilities and shortcomings, but if nothing else, at least I know I'm emotionally and intellectually invested enough in this class that I can have nightmares about it. Awesome!